Wanna make me look like a bad spouse? Ask me to explain what my husband does for a living.
Sometimes you spend date night being romantic.
Other times, you spend it trying to convince him that you consumed your twin in the womb.
Me: “It’s so fucking hot. I can’t tell if my ass is sweating or if I peed my pants.”
Him: “Probably a combo.”
On me tweezing while driving:
Him: “Hey, eyes on the road. You can trim your goat beard later.”
Me: “Who do you think Oliver looks like?”
Him: “Like this pet turtle I had when I was little. But hopefully I won’t forget to water Oliver, and he won’t dry up like an old turd.”